The Truth — Revealed!

I have two shocking truths to reveal to MLBlog nation this afternoon. I’ll just launch right into the first one, one that involves a key free agent of this offseason — Mr. Manny Ramirez.

Here is my theory as to why he will not become the selfish man-child of old should he sign with the Yankees — except when we’re in Boston.

You remember the mystery of Manny’s secret room in the Green Monster? Some may say it’s just a normal room, they’ve seen the inside of it, but my theory is this: It is secretly his portal to Narnia, and he’s the only one who knows how to get there.

No, little English children do not, in fact, rule Narnia. It is Manny Ramirez who goes into his secret room and rules for many thousands of years. When he comes out, mere minutes have passed on this earth. However, he has forgotten how to play baseball in his thousands of years in Narnia. This explains his crazy behavior. Someone knows about this other than him, and they remind him how to play baseball. He realizes he has mad skills, and he is happy making millions of dollars doing something that comes naturally to him.

Happy Manny is Good Manny.

However, he is drawn back to Narnia. He wants to rule again. So he does. It’s usually after games, but a few times he can’t stand it and goes back to it in the middle of the game. Once, he had to rush back out, and there was only time to tell him to catch the ball. Manny obeyed, and I’ve just explained the formerly inexplicable: His diving cutoff of Johnny Damon’s throw. You remember that, correct?

Anyway, about a quarter of the way through this season, Narnia was taken over by the White Witch (the evil one, you remember?).

This, naturally, didn’t sit well with Mr. Manny.

He was so unhappy he couldn’t cheer himself up with baseball anymore. He was tired of it, and everyone in Boston got angry about it. He requested a trade so that he wouldn’t be drawn back to Narnia. So he went to the Dodgers.

Finally happy, he led the Dodgers to the playoffs. So now, as long as we’re not in Boston, Manny will be a good leftfielder. Thank you for listening.

I have one more shocking truth. I present: What REALLY happened to Plaxico Burress.

Thank you and good night.